Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My ATM looks so different sober.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
