Soap is not a condiment
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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