Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
