I am spending my child support on dildos
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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