when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
