Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
