I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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