I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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