I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
