i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
