if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
God, I missed his penis.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
