Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Randomize
