I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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