I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
