I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
