Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize