I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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