1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
