I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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