Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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