Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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