i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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