rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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