My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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