she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
