I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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