is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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