Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
