Too much gin, very little bucket
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
