I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
