I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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