Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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