our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
