Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
