remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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