Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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