i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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