I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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