There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
