the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
