woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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