Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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