Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
