that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
