Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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