Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
People in love make me want to vomit
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
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