so that wasnt chicken after all
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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