I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
