why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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