I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize